Talk Therapy

Cancer – Saying Goodbye

Cancer – Saying Goodbye

Everyone who knows me knows that I have a really hard time saying goodbye. I am not sure why. Maybe it’s just a quirk of mine. Or maybe it’s because I have lost friends and family members due to moves (this was before the internet!) and illness. I guess that’s what makes me me.  

You may miss a person, a pet or even the ‘old’ you before cancer hit. It may last for one day or one week or one month or one year or indefinitely. The cause may be that someone is moving to a different part of the country or the world — or leaving our world. 

The loss of someone (or something) who was near and dear to you leads to grief. Grief never goes away, as you may have experienced. Over time, as you pass through the grieving stages in your own unique way and order, things may become a bit more bearable and maybe even give new meaning to your life. 

Connecting with others who have also gone through a loss may help (such as this Facebook group by David Kessler). Sharing the pain. Feeling less alone. Learning how to put words to your feelings to allow you to create your narrative. 

We all tell ourselves stories that sooth us. Our stories are defined by our personal perspective, driven by our culture and religion and upbringing. Only you can write your story, which you may refine or even rewrite as you get older and gain new insights. 

No one knows for sure what happens to our loved ones after they pass and so no one can refute your version. 

I believe that we will see each other again — in the afterlife, but even in our current lifetime, which might be evidenced by, if you are open to them, certain signs that hint that your loved one is signaling you. There are more concrete ways to see our departed loved ones again, by replaying audio or video clips, or even leaving a voicemail for them to feel like you are connecting as before. 

Saying goodbye to someone is so final. It puts a lot of pressure on the moment, making sure the last impression is the one you would like to leave them with. Have you said and done all you can or would like to? It’s almost paralyzing. Maybe that’s why I prefer to not say goodbye, but “Until we meet again!”

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Are You Happy?

Are You Happy?

All human beings have feelings, although at times we may not know exactly what we are feeling, or how to express our feelings in healthy and helpful ways. This can be particularly true when you have experienced an overwhelming and sometimes traumatizing experience like cancer, which may have forced you to face your day to day life in “survival mode” and triggered you to ignore your feelings. 

Once a cancer survivor enters the post-treatment phase, they may feel that it is expected for them to smile all the time and be grateful for the extra time they have been given. Additionally, our society and the people around us may mean well by continuing their role as cheerleader – encouraging us to be happy and strong and upbeat!

This is important in the pursuit of a healthy sense of well-being, but, as a cancer survivor, you may continue to ride an emotional rollercoaster still unsure of what lies beyond the next turn. You may be tired of the cancer treatments, angry that your recovery may be slower than you expected, and frustrated that you need to do extra activities to facilitate healing. You may be upset that you have missed certain parts of your life and perhaps continue to miss out on things you once enjoyed or planned to enjoy.  [Disclaimer = if your feelings affect your ability to function and/or your pain is so overwhelming that you are considering hurting yourself or others, then please contact your local emergency service and/or your doctor].

No one knows what your happy is, or what you feel, or what you should be feeling. Only you know how you feel, even though you may not always fully understand why you feel the way you do. But there is validity in even the confusion. We are all unique, and we cope differently with grief about what we have lost (e.g. time, health, functionality, sense of well-being and security) and how we search for new meaning and purpose in the cancer aftermath. Allow yourself the opportunity to experience your feelings; work through your emotions instead of avoiding them. This often nurtures and allows the truest and deepest of personal emotional healing. 

Sometimes, a simple change in wording can make a big difference. Rather than encouraging you to “be happy”, advise your loved ones and friends to ask outright “how are you feeling?” and then giving you (and them) permission to be open, thus creating the opportunity for a joined conversation that includes exploration, healing, and growing.

When It Simply Becomes Too Much…

When It Simply Becomes Too Much…

We all know that someday, we will all face death. A cancer diagnosis makes this realization personal, and often comes at a time that we would not have necessarily thought of our own mortality. As you reach the post-treatment phase, you may find that your priorities in life have changed and this may lead you to consider making changes in your life. You may be worried about your environment and what you put on or in your body as you continue to wonder why or how you developed the cancer. The people around you may not understand or even be open to talk with you about these changes. After so much focus on the treatment of your body and the cancer, you owe it to yourself to tend to your emotional needs and long-term goals. 

Emotional distress is real and can negatively affect your quality and quantity of life. But worrying about being stressed can have negative health effects on its own. 

Don’t be afraid to seek the help you need to heal from this journey. Most likely your cancer diagnosis started abruptly and forcefully pulled you away from life as you knew it.  The journey continues and now leaves you to pick up the pieces from this experience. It can continue to be overwhelming and even traumatizingat times.

Consider reaching out to the many professional services that are available to you within your community. One or a combination of interventions may sometimes be recommended (e.g. exercise, talk therapy and/or medications). Professional therapists are ready to help you process and make sense of your thoughts; to help you find new meaning and purpose, and to help you build new hopes and dreams.